An elderly couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."
"Why not?" he asks.
She answers back, "Because I'm dead."
The husband says, "What are you talking about ? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."
She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."
He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Video - Lucky Guy
You may have heard about it on the news - now watch the video. A guy who won a car in a scratch-off lottery goes back to re-enact the event - and he wins again.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Joke - Big Question
An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question. "What is sex...?"
He was surprised she'd ask such a question at her age, but thought if she's old enough to ask, she's old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn't shirk his responsibility. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation.
When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity. His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, "Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs."
He was surprised she'd ask such a question at her age, but thought if she's old enough to ask, she's old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn't shirk his responsibility. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation.
When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity. His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, "Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs."
Humor - British Newspaper Stories
These came into one blogger's inbox with the submitters swearing they were true examples of what newspapers in Britain included in their pages. Maybe they are, but it hardly matters: they're fun either way.
- - -
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." --London Daily Telegraph
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. --Manchester Evening News
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. --Manchester Guardian
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". --London Times
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. --Aberdeen Evening Express
Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'" --Bournemouth Evening Echo
- - -
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." --London Daily Telegraph
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. --Manchester Evening News
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. --Manchester Guardian
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". --London Times
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. --Aberdeen Evening Express
Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'" --Bournemouth Evening Echo
Videos - Ten Digits & Weight Lifter
Too many fingers and toes!
He may be a macho weight lifter, but Mom is still his best friend!
He may be a macho weight lifter, but Mom is still his best friend!
Friday, May 25, 2007
Joke - Political Musings
A politician was visiting a Kansas farmer on business; as he stepped out of his Mercedes he stepped into a large bull dropping.
Looking down he cried out, "Oh my God, I'm melting!"
Looking down he cried out, "Oh my God, I'm melting!"
Joke - Talking Parrots
A lady went to her priest one day and told him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest asked.
"They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two talking parrots, which are males, and I have taught them to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we'll put them in the cage with Paul and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... er, that phrase.. in no time."
"Thank you," the woman replied, "that may very well be the solution."
So the next day she took her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and reciting prayers. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Then one male parrot looked over at the other male and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Paul! Our prayers have been answered!"
"What do they say?" the priest asked.
"They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two talking parrots, which are males, and I have taught them to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we'll put them in the cage with Paul and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... er, that phrase.. in no time."
"Thank you," the woman replied, "that may very well be the solution."
So the next day she took her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and reciting prayers. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Then one male parrot looked over at the other male and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Paul! Our prayers have been answered!"
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Lack of Posts
I am sorry for the paucity of posts. The weather here in the northeast is beautiful and I am spending lots of time outdoors, playing golf or working in the yard/garden.
Monday, May 21, 2007
Video - Kayak Dive
Another video of someone doing something silly - this one is less dangerous than a lot I've seen. Here a guy dives off a diving board, into a poll, while sitting in a kayak.
Jokes - 3 Riddles
Q: How can you tell when your divorce is getting ugly ?
A: When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.
Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About four drinks.
Q: What did the doe say as she stumbled out of the forest?
A: "That's the last time I ever do that for ten bucks!"
A: When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.
Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About four drinks.
Q: What did the doe say as she stumbled out of the forest?
A: "That's the last time I ever do that for ten bucks!"
Humor - On The Train
These, allegedly are true examples of what conductors on the London Tube told passengers. Maybe they are, but it hardly matters: they're fun either way.
- - -
Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.
Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.
Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham , which means we probably won't reach our destination.
We are now traveling through Baker Street . As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that.
Beggars are operating on this train. Please do not encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.
Let the passengers off the train first! (Pause). Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -- I'm going home.
Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with Please hold the doors open. The two are distinct and separate instructions.
Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.
We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.
To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage: what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?
Please move all baggage away from the doors. (Pause) Please move all belongings away from the doors. (Pause) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!
May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.
- - -
Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.
Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.
Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham , which means we probably won't reach our destination.
We are now traveling through Baker Street . As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that.
Beggars are operating on this train. Please do not encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.
Let the passengers off the train first! (Pause). Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -- I'm going home.
Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with Please hold the doors open. The two are distinct and separate instructions.
Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.
We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.
To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage: what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?
Please move all baggage away from the doors. (Pause) Please move all belongings away from the doors. (Pause) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!
May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Animated - Beat a Dead Horse
Know the old expression, "He's just beating a dead horse?" Well, it happens...
Joke - Temperance
A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."
Jokes - 3 Riddles
Q: What form of birth control do most lawyers use?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What's the difference between a new puppy and a Cubs fan?
A: The puppy will eventually stop whining.
Q: What do you call the shock absorbers in a Yugo?
A: Passengers.
A: Their personalities.
Q: What's the difference between a new puppy and a Cubs fan?
A: The puppy will eventually stop whining.
Q: What do you call the shock absorbers in a Yugo?
A: Passengers.
Video - Fiat Ad
This Fiat driver loves his car - and wants the bike rider to keep his hands off. Funny ad.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Joke - Big Bird and Change
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a Coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A Hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two Wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want fr as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A Hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two Wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want fr as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Video - Headed Home
This guy does an interesting job of loading his dirt bike into a van. I hope he's okay!
Video - Motorcycle Flip
Another of those candid videos where some idiot flips his motorcycle. Darwinism at work.
Jokes - A Couple of Dillies
A family from Maine was visiting relatives in Georgia one summer. The little boy from Maine was playing with his cousin, a little girl. Since it was so hot, they stripped and waded in the creek for a while.
As they were sunning themselves afterward, the little girl drawled, "Ya know, Ah never knew there was such a diff'rence between you Yankees and us South'ners."
-----------------------
"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common," said the new tenant's neighbor. "Why on earth did you get married?"
"I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract'", was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."
As they were sunning themselves afterward, the little girl drawled, "Ya know, Ah never knew there was such a diff'rence between you Yankees and us South'ners."
-----------------------
"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common," said the new tenant's neighbor. "Why on earth did you get married?"
"I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract'", was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Joke - Pregnant Wife
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"
She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember. You're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" answered the teacher.
"I was just wondering ," the man said. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"
She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember. You're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" answered the teacher.
"I was just wondering ," the man said. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Monday, May 14, 2007
Joke - Stud Service
An Alabama farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 9 opened the door.
"Is yer Dad home?" the farmer asked.
"No, sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He's gone to town."
"Well," said the farmer, "is yer Mom here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my girl Clara Mae pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment. "You have to talk to Pa about that," he finally said. "I know he charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog. But I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
"Is yer Dad home?" the farmer asked.
"No, sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He's gone to town."
"Well," said the farmer, "is yer Mom here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my girl Clara Mae pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment. "You have to talk to Pa about that," he finally said. "I know he charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog. But I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
Video - Real Beauty Secrets
A while back I posted a video of a Dove Real Beauty mashup - a rather ordinary girl was transformed into a raving beauty for a billboard advertisement. What follows (below) is a parody of that video. This is pretty funny.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Video - Proving Fakery
In this lengthy video, a scholar proves fakery in the real world - can you believe Uri Geller faked his bent spoons?
Video - Catching Glasses
A bit of a put on - in this video a guy catches his glasses thrown at him from a distance.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)