Joke Time

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the television news to the point where it became something of a local joke ... especially after a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions, demonstrating that he had been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.

So he moved to a different part of the country and applied for a similar job. When he reached the part on the job application which asked the reason for leaving his previous position, Hopkins wrote:

The climate didn't agree with me.

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Joke Time

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama bin Laden made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America.

As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

Cartoon Time

Joke Time

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently, and then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time you let me poot me hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her leg. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Angus blurted out, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

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Joke Time

A police officer pulls over this guy whose car had been weaving all over the place. He goes up to the guy's window: "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

"Sorry officer," says the guy, "I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I will have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I will bleed to death."

"Well, then we need a urine sample.""I'm sorry officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I will get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I am too drunk to do that."

Cartoon Time

Joke Time

A man goes to the caliph and announces that he is God. "Be careful what you say," warns the caliph. "A man came to me last year claiming to be a prophet and I put him to death."

"It is well you did so," replies the lunatic, "for I did not send him."

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Game Time

Here's a link to a rather sick little Shockwave game - you've got to kick the severed head at a prisoner and hit him to score any points. Lots of fun for the family.

Click here for the game.

Joke Time

The new six-foot six-inch American consul in Porto Alegre, Brazil was delighted with the friendliness of the Brazilians, always finding himself surrounded by an animated group during the endless obligatory receptions and cocktail parties.

He was somewhat less delighted to finally discover the key to his popularity. Apparently, at the beginning of these large gatherings, spouses would say to one another, "When it is time to go, I will meet you next to the American consul."

Cartoon Time

Joke Time

A young couple had just returned from their honeymoon, and almost at once the young bride runs to the telephone to call her mother. The mother wants to know how the honeymoon had gone.

"Oh, mama!" replies the bride in a choked voice, "the honeymoon was so wonderful and romantic ..." and then the tears burst out: "But, mama, as soon as we returned home, he started using the most horrible language, things I had never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You have to come get me and take me home. Please, mama!"

"Darling, darling, calm down and tell me, what words could be so awful?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama!" sobs the daughter. "I am so embarrassed, they are just too awful! Just come and get me, please!"

"Oh, darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell me these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride manages to choke out: "Oh, mama ... words like ... DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK ..."

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Joke Time

A man rushes into a bar and orders a double martini. He downs it in a single swallow, puts a five-dollar bill on the bar, then turns and rushes out.

The bartender picks up the five-dollar bill, folds it carefully, and tucks it in his vest pocket.

Just at that moment he looks up ... to see his boss standing in the office doorway, staring at him.

"Hi, boss," he says quickly. "Did you see that guy just now? Came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five dollar tip, and rushed out without paying."

Cartoon Time

ABCs for the elderly

A - for arthritis.
B - for bad back.
C - is for chest pains. Perhaps cardiac?
D - is for dental decay and decline.
E - is for eyesight -- can't read that top line.
F - is for fissures and fluid retention.
G - is for gas (which I'd rather not mention).
H - for high blood pressure (I'd rather have low).
I - for incisions with scars you can show.
J - is for joints, that now fail to flex.
L - for libido -- what happened to sex?

Wait! I forgot about K!

K - is for my knees that crack when they're bent.
M - (Please forgive me, my Memory ain't worth a cent.)
N - for neurosis, pinched nerves and stiff neck.
O - is for osteo- and all bones that crack.
P - for prescriptions, I have quite a few.(Give me another pill; I'll be good as new!)
Q - is for queasiness. Fatal or flu?
R - is for reflux -- one meal turns into two.
S - is for sleepless nights, counting my fears.
T - for tinnitus -- I hear bells in my ears.
U - is for urinary: difficulties with flow.
V - is for vertigo, that's "dizzy", you know.
W - is worry, now what's going 'round?
X - is for X ray -- and what might be found.
Y - for another year I've left behind.
Z - is for zest that I still have my mind.

I have survived all the symptoms my body's deployed, and kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!

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