A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts," and the patients complied by standing up.
After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts," and they all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheered.
When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts," and they all started booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?"
The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this vendor walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Humor - Dealing with Children
Dealing With the Children
When You Find Out:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Sure, boys can wear pink.
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Pacifiers:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the he pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics , Baby Swing , and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and to the dry cleaner.
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood spraying.
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Photography:
1st baby: You take photos of every milestone in the baby's life, including spitting up, skinned knees, meeting grandma, and more.
2nd baby: You try to take photos at least once a year.
3rd baby: He looks enough like his brother that taking photos is redundant.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Did You Know - Bad Singing
A man singing at a karaoke bar in San Mateo, Rizal, Philippines, was so off-key that the security guard at the bar pulled his service revolver and shot him in the chest. Romy Baligula, 29, was killed. Security officer Robilito Ortega, 43, was arrested by police officers who happened to be nearby and heard the shot. (Philippine Star) ...Which ought to be ample warning for Simon Cowell.
From This Is True, June 22, 2007
From This Is True, June 22, 2007
Monday, July 09, 2007
Dog Talk
Ten Favours a Dog Asks From a Man
1- My life lasts between ten to fifteen years. Every separation from you means suffering for me. Think about this before you decide whether or not to take me!
2- Give me time to understand what you are asking from me.
3- Instill confidence in me - I thrive on it!
4- Do not be angry with me for a long time and do not lock me up for punishment! You have your work, your pleasure, your joy - I have only you.
5- Talk often to me! Even if I do not understand you completely, I do understand the tone of your voice when you talk to me.
6- Know that, no matter how I am being treated, I shall never forget it!
7- Keep in mind, before you hit me , that my jaws could crush the knuckles of your hand with ease, but that I do not make use of them.
8- Before you scold me when working with me, consider: perhaps I am uncomfortable from digesting my last meal; perhaps I was exposed to the sun too long; or perhaps I have a worn out heart.
9- Take care of me when I am old -- you too are going to be old one day.
10- Be with me when my going gets rough. Everything is easier for me when you are beside me.
-Author Unknown
1- My life lasts between ten to fifteen years. Every separation from you means suffering for me. Think about this before you decide whether or not to take me!
2- Give me time to understand what you are asking from me.
3- Instill confidence in me - I thrive on it!
4- Do not be angry with me for a long time and do not lock me up for punishment! You have your work, your pleasure, your joy - I have only you.
5- Talk often to me! Even if I do not understand you completely, I do understand the tone of your voice when you talk to me.
6- Know that, no matter how I am being treated, I shall never forget it!
7- Keep in mind, before you hit me , that my jaws could crush the knuckles of your hand with ease, but that I do not make use of them.
8- Before you scold me when working with me, consider: perhaps I am uncomfortable from digesting my last meal; perhaps I was exposed to the sun too long; or perhaps I have a worn out heart.
9- Take care of me when I am old -- you too are going to be old one day.
10- Be with me when my going gets rough. Everything is easier for me when you are beside me.
-Author Unknown
Video - Funny Animated GIFs
Someone has taken some of the animated GIF files floating around on the Internets and combined them, with a sound track, into a movie on You Tube.
Some adult material included.
Saturday, July 07, 2007
Joke - Blind Pilots
Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a white stick. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane IS in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane IS in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
Video - Great Canon Camera
It's the wrong season for this video ad, but it's never the wrong season for a little laugh.
| Hosted on Flurl Video Search - Watch More Videos |
Friday, July 06, 2007
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