Joke time

Lucky Thirteen
by Miss Cellania

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to  be gentle. I am still a virgin."

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform.  He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon. She responded:

"My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be.

My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send  me documentation.

My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the  old saying-'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach.'

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department.  He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able  to deliver.

My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew how,  but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it.

My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product. he just wasn't sure how to position it.

My tenth husband was a psychiatrist.  All he ever wanted to do was  talk about it.

My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to  do was . . .-God I miss him!

So now I've married you, and I'm really excited."

"Why is that?" asked the lawyer.

"Well, it should be obvious!  You're a lawyer!!  I just know I'm going to get screwed this time!"

Joke time...

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

Seems about right...

A lawyer had just undergone surgery. When he came out of the anesthesia, one of the first things he noticed was that the room was quite dark. "Why are the blinds drawn, doctor?" he asked.

The doctor replied, "There's a fire across the street. We didn't want you to wake up and think that the operation was a failure."

A Good Lawyer Joke

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I cain't unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids...I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin' boy?"

"Lawyers, same as you," replied the small 'gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"

"Down at 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot of that law firm."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a lawyer, there ain't nothin' left but lips and a briefcase.

That's Smart

Not everyone really appreciates lawyers - at least not until you need one.

Lawyer: someone who makes sure he gets everything that's coming to you.

Will Ferrell as The Dog Lawyer

Joke - Lawyer

A lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the side of the road. He ordered his driver to stop the car. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"We don't have any money for food," the man replied.

"Come along with me then," the lawyer said.

"But, sir," the man said. "I have a wife and two children."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

The family climbed into the limousine. The poor man said, "Sir, you are extremely kind. Thank you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem. My grass at home is almost two inches tall."

Joke - Surgeons

Some surgeons were discussing who was the easiest to operate on.

The first said that accountants were as every thing was numbered.

The second believed librarians were as everything was alphabetical.

The third felt electricians were as everything was color-coded.

The fourth said, "You are all wrong, lawyers are the easiest since they have no heart, no guts, no spine, and their head and their ass are interchangeable.

Joke - Time to Divorce

Mrs. Goldstein walked into an attorney's office and told him she wanted to divorce her husband of 58 years.

"Mrs. Goldstein, fifty-tight years is a long time," the lawyer said. "Do you have grounds?"

"Grounds? No grounds. We live in a condominium. We got no grounds."

"No, no. What I mean is, do you nave cause.'" the lawyer asked. "For example, docs he beat you up?"

"What beat me up? I'm up by seven. The bum is still asleep."

"1 mean," the lawyer tried, "is there a special reason to want a divorce now? Do you have a grudge?"

"Sure, we got a grudge. It's robbery what they charge lo park in the grudge."

"Mrs. Goldstein," the exasperated lawyer said, "I have to know why you want a divorce."

"Oh, why didn't you say so?" Mrs. Goldstein scoffed. "I want the divorce because I'm sick to death of Mr. Goldstein telling me we can't communicate."

Joke Time - 2 Dillies

What do you call an eye doctor from the Bering Sea?

An optical Aleutian.
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What's a lawyer's ideal weight?

About three pounds, including the urn.

Humor Time

The Night Before Christmas -- for Lawyers

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to, a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a.k.a. St. Nicholas a.k.a. Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein visions of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance. At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus. Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney. Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.) Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.

Joke Time

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars, and they needed someone very special since only one person could go -- and it was a one-way mission: they couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked why he was most qualified and how much he wanted to be paid.

"I'm an engineer, so the mission would have the most chance for success because I can fix anything that goes wrong. As for pay," he said, "I want a million dollars because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. "I'm a doctor, so I'd be able to keep myself alive to achieve the mission goals. I'd like $2 million: a million to my family, and the rest would be to fund the rest of my work on a technology I just invented that would save thousands of lives."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"How are you more qualified," asked the interview panel, "and why do you want so much more money?"

"Well," the lawyer replied, "Clearly the doctor is full of himself; if you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars."

Joke Time

Lawyer

A group of dinner guests were blaming all of America's troubles on lawyers when a woman said, "They aren't all so bad. Why, last year a lawyer gave me $1000."

"I don't believe it," the host responded.

"It's true, I swear it," said the woman.

"Well, how did it happen," the man asked, a bit suspicious.

"I had a complicated personal injury case," the woman said, "and what with the lawyer's fee, the cost of expert witnesses, the expense of the appeal and so on, my bill was $41,000. When the judgment only amounted to $40,000, my lawyer told me I wouldn't have to pay him the difference."

Joke Time

Lawyers

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 10?
A: Counselor.

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Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 15?
A: Your honor.

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Q: What do you call a judge gone bad?
A: Senator.

Joke Time

What is the real reason the Ten Command­ments have been banned from America's public buildings?

It creates a hostile work environment to post THOU SHALT NOT STEAL, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY and THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians.