LOL cat - not so different from humans

Joke time

A man was drinking at a bar one evening. Every time he ordered a drink, he would pull a picture out of his wallet and gaze at it for a moment.

"Old girlfriend?" the bartender asked.

"No," the man replied. "It's a picture of my mother-in-law. When she starts to look attractive, I know I've had too much."

Joke Time: Cab Ride

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife went out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night. So, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car...

Joke Time

During Jim's vacation, while he and his family were visiting Jerusalem, Jim's mother-in-law died. Death certificate in hand, Jim went to the American consulate to send the body back to the United States to be buried. The consulate warns Jim that sending a body across countries is very, very expensive, running well into the thousands of dollars. Most people, he tells Jim, choose to have the person buried in the country where they had died.

Jim considers, then replies that he doesn't care how much it costs, he wants to have the body sent back.

The consul nods sympathetically: "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much."

"No," says Jim, "it is not a price thing at all. You see, I know the story of a person who had been buried here in Jerusalem many years ago. On the third day he arose from the dead, and I just can't take that chance ..."