Friday, February 15, 2008
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Happy, Happy Men: Joke
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don ' t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Joke Time: Cab Ride
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife went out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night. So, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car...
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife went out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night. So, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car...
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Name Fun
Names
1. If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
2. If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
3. If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
4. If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.
5. If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
6. If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
7. If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
8. If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
9. If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
10. If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
11. If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
12. How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.
13. If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.
14. Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
15. If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.
16. If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
17. If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Joke Time: Coincidence
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
MAN #1: "Where are you from?"
MAN #2: "I'm from Ireland."
#1: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's drink to Ireland."
#2: "Certainly."
#1: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
#2: "Dublin."
#1: "Really! I'm from Dublin too. Let's have another drink to Dublin."
#2: "Of course."
#1: "What school did you go to?"
#2: "Saint Mary's. I graduated in '62."
#1: "This is unbelievable! I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," is the reply. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again.”
"Why of course," comes the reply.
MAN #1: "Where are you from?"
MAN #2: "I'm from Ireland."
#1: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's drink to Ireland."
#2: "Certainly."
#1: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
#2: "Dublin."
#1: "Really! I'm from Dublin too. Let's have another drink to Dublin."
#2: "Of course."
#1: "What school did you go to?"
#2: "Saint Mary's. I graduated in '62."
#1: "This is unbelievable! I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," is the reply. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again.”
Joke Time: Coincidence
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
MAN #1: "Where are you from?"
MAN #2: "I'm from Ireland."
#1: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's drink to Ireland."
#2: "Certainly."
#1: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
#2: "Dublin."
#1: "Really! I'm from Dublin too. Let's have another drink to Dublin."
#2: "Of course."
#1: "What school did you go to?"
#2: "Saint Mary's. I graduated in '62."
#1: "This is unbelievable! I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," is the reply. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again.”
"Why of course," comes the reply.
MAN #1: "Where are you from?"
MAN #2: "I'm from Ireland."
#1: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's drink to Ireland."
#2: "Certainly."
#1: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
#2: "Dublin."
#1: "Really! I'm from Dublin too. Let's have another drink to Dublin."
#2: "Of course."
#1: "What school did you go to?"
#2: "Saint Mary's. I graduated in '62."
#1: "This is unbelievable! I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," is the reply. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again.”
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Joke Time: Happy (not so much) Valentine's Day
A woman at the post office one day sees a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter, methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Once they're all stamped, the man takes out a perfume bottle and sprays scent all over them.
Her curiosity getting the better of her, she goes up to the man and asks him what he is doing. He says "I'm sending out 1,000 valentines signed, 'You know who'."
"But why?" asks the woman.
"It's my job. I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Her curiosity getting the better of her, she goes up to the man and asks him what he is doing. He says "I'm sending out 1,000 valentines signed, 'You know who'."
"But why?" asks the woman.
"It's my job. I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
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