Joke time

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.

"Uh, no," he said.

She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," he said, now really intrigued.

"Well, go look in the garage..."

Joke time

What men should say when caught looking at another woman


I can’t believe that outfit she is wearing. (Said disdainfully)

Look at that guy… over there… behind the woman.

I think that’s a man dressed as a woman. (Incredulous)

Isn’t that the actress from the movie Delicatessen?
(Chances are she hasn’t seen that movie and neither have you, but you will get brownie points naming a foreign film, and it will be just obtuse enough to distract her)

I think that’s the girl I knew from high school who eventually joined a convent (or was committed to an asylum) and turned out to be a real nut case

Help me, I got something in my eye… can’t see a thing!

Hey that’s the loser I dumped in order to go out with you. Boy am I glad I ever got away from her. What a moron.

I know you’re probably thinking I was staring at a beautiful woman, but to me she is like one of those fancy bakery cakes that looks good, but then you have a bite and it is so sweet that it makes you sick. She makes me sick. (It helps if you convulse a little at the end here.. maybe it will camouflage your drool).

I was just thinking how I felt sorry for her since she can never hold a candle to you (this one might only get you punched, but its worth a try).

Do you think she’s prettier than me? (Give her a taste of her own medicine)

Joke time

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.”

“Now ... We have an $800,000 home, a $65,000 car, a nice big bed and a large-screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman.   It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of the bargain."

My wife is a very reasonable woman.  She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!

Joke time

A suspicious Los Angeles auto dealer decided finally to have it out with his wife. He bought a gun and went home.

He silently unlocked the door and tiptoed into the bedroom. Just as he suspected, his wife was in bed making love with some strange guy.

"Okay," he said, pointing the pistol at the guy, "You're going to get it now!"

"Please, Nick," pleaded his wife, "don't kill him until he shows you how to do it right."

Joke time

"Harriet is married to the chairman of a communications corporation."

"Bet she's not hurting for anything."

"She despises him."

"Really?"

"Harriet hates him so much she closes her eyes during intercourse so she doesn't have to see him enjoying himself."

Quickie

Here's today's quickie...

Whenever my wife says, "We need to talk"
I never seem to get much of a chance.
---Jonco Stl on G+

Was it good for you?

When the cat's away, the mice will play.

Joke time

A man was fixing a door in his house and realized he needed a new hinge, so he asked his wife to go to the hardware store for him. When his wife was at the store, a beautiful bathroom faucet caught her eye.

"How much is that faucet?" she asked a young male employee who was standing nearby.

"It's made of pewter," he replied, "so it costs $750."

"My goodness, that is expensive," she said.

She then proceeded to describe to the young man the hinge her husband had sent her to buy, and the employee went to the next aisle to find it for her.

"Ma'am, do you want a screw for that hinge?" he called out as he walked away.

"No, not really," she answered, "but I would for that faucet."

Joke time

One afternoon a professor of mathematics sent an e-mail to his wife that said, "Overall I am happy with you as a wife, but as a man I have certain needs, and given that you are 54 years old now, you are no longer able to satisfy those needs. Subsequently, I will be spending the evening at a hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I hope you understand. I still love you and I will be home by midnight."

In response, his wife sent him an e-mail that said, "I received your e-mail and I understand  I too will be at a hotel tonight-with our 18-year-old pool boy. And being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you will surely realize that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18, so please don't bother to wait up."

Joke Time

An electrical fire caused a man's barn to burn down one night, so the next day his wife called their insurance company to file a claim.

"We had that barn insured for $50,000 and I want the money," she told the agent.

"Now hold on a minute," the agent replied. "Insurance doesn't work like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth."

After a long pause the wife replied, "If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy I have on my husband."

Joke time

Two men were having drinks together when one said to the other, "A few days ago my wallet was stolen, and the person who took it has been using my credit cards all week."

"Why haven't you called the credit card companies to report them stolen?" his friend asked.

"Because the thief spends less money than my wife," the man replied.

Joke time

One evening a woman was having dinner at home with her husband and she said, "You know, dear, I had a physical today and the doctor told me I have the breasts of a 25-year-old."

"Is that so?" the husband replied, rolling his eyes. "What did he have to say about your ass?"

"Oh, darling," his wife said, "I don't think your name came up in the conversation."

Joke time

A woman walked into a store to return a pair of eyeglasses she had purchased for her husband a week earlier.

"What seems to be the problem with the glasses, ma'am?" the clerk asked.

"I gave these to my husband, but they don't work," she replied. "He's still not seeing things my way."

Joke time

A man was having dinner at a friend's home when he noticed that his friend preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms like honey, darling, sweetheart and pumpkin. The man was impressed by his friend's effusive displays of affection because he knew the couple had been married more than 50 years. 

When the wife went into the kitchen to get coffee, the man told his friend, "I think it's wonderful that after all these years you still call your wife by such sweet names."

"The truth is," the friend replied, "I forgot her name 10 years ago."

Joke time

A man came home from work one evening and found his wife in their bedroom, packing a suitcase.


"Where are you going?" he asked.

"I'm moving to Las Vegas," she said. "I heard that in Vegas I can get $300 to do what I do with you."

The man pulled out another suitcase and started packing his things.

"Where do you think you're going?" his wife asked.

"Well," he replied, "I have to see how the hell you manage to live on $600 a year."

Joke time

A wife was berating her husband. "You know, our neighbor gives his wife flowers all the time and takes her to nice places," she said. "Can't you do something like that?"

"Honey, I've wanted to for years," he answered, "but I was afraid you and he would be upset if I showered her with gifts and took her on a vacation."

Some guys...

Some guys know how to do it right.

An angry wife met her husband at the door. He had alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she said, "there's a good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

Children's Guide to Growing Up: The Good Wife

The good wife

A children's guide to growing up to be a good wife. - ADULT MATERIAL - Sexist - may make sensitive people uncomfortable - not politically correct. Justy warning you.

Wife's Advice

From Chuck's Fun Page 2